Handheld Hijinks!
by Father Hulk
Summary: Eric Cartman finds half a million Game & Watch units, and gets the town's kids hooked on it and opens a black market of handheld fun! Rated R for being a South Park story. Nuff said. Read and review! Ch 3 up
1. A Terrible Accident

Handheld Hijinks 

_A _South Park _and _Game & Watch _crossover by Father Hulk_

**A/N: **_Hooooowdy ho! Father Hulk coming straight at you from the heart of NJ to bring you something that I'm 99.9 percent sure has never been done before… a South Park and Game and Watch crossover! (For those who don't know what a Game and Watch is, it will be explained in chapter 1.) I've tried for years to work these nifty handheld gems into a story, and now, it shall be done. Enjoy!_

**Prologue**

_It was the 1980's, a marvelous decade, and one of great accomplishment for the video game industry. Atari was the most popular video game console for the home, and a generation of gamers was born from it. But I am sure that there was one child who woefully said, "Atari is so big and clunky… I can't take it in the car with me, and it won't fit in my pocket… I want a game I can play anywhere I go!" And, his wish was granted. In 1980, a small, rectangular video game called **Ball** was released by Nintendo. The screen was a liquid crystal display, and there were but two buttons, labeled left and right. The only task the game required was that the man in the center of the screen keep the balls he juggled aloft, by moving his hands left and right. As more points were scored, the pace got faster, thus challenging the gamer greatly. This game also kept time when it wasn't in use, and thus Nintendo christened it a Game and Watch. From that year until 1990, 59 more Game and Watch units were released, each involving simple tasks that got harder as more points were scored, giving birth to the "Panic Style" of games. Many popular games that are found on the NES and others got their humble start as Game and Watch units: Donkey Kong Jr., Ice Climber, even Zelda were all best sellers. There were also other great titles, like Fire, Manhole, Tropical Fish, and Snoopy Tennis. As time wore on, Nintendo began releasing different styles of units. They began with the silver screen, which was rectangular and had a small screen, then introduced the widescreen model, and then the double-screen, in which action happened between a top and bottom or left and right screen. A few units were even released as table-top models, and were in full color. By the time Zelda was released in 1990, the Game Boy was on its way, and so no more Game and Watch toys were made. But they left an impact on an entire generation that will last forever. And now… they seek to do it again._

Chapter 1 A Terrible Accident Location: Nintendo of Japan, 9:00 am GMT 

"Sayaki-san!"

"Yes, sir?"

"You must embark on a dangerous mission." Said the lean, dark-haired president of Nintendo.

"Sir?" said Notoshiro Sayaki, the president's second-in-command.

"Do you remember the Game and Watch toys we made over 25 years ago?"

"Yes sir," Notoshiro replied, "They were hugely popular. We made billions."

"They must all be destroyed."

"De-destroyed? Why?"

The president of Nintendo walked to the large picture window and looked out onto the streets of Japan. "This leaves not this room, are we clear?"

"Yes sir!"

The president sighed. "They hold an evil power."

"Evil power?"

"Yes. We made a lot of money because the games were too addictive. Their panic-style play and simple tasks drove people to play almost endlessly… they forgot to eat and sleep… they stayed home from work… some of the die-hards even died from chronic constipation."

"My God," Notoshiro whispered, "I had no idea…"

"The liberal media did a good job of covering it up," the president said grimly. "But we could not escape the truth. Half the profits we made on those toys came from replacement batteries for them."

"Such power… how could we unleash such a force onto the world?"

The president shook his head. "It doesn't matter now. We must worry about destroying them while we still can."

"I'm confused, sir," Notoshiro said. "All the Game and Watch units are locked within our vault… why must they be destroyed?"

"Because the vault is not secure, Sayaki-san."

"Not secure? Have we been robbed before?"

"You fool! How do you think Sega was able to develop a full-color backlit handheld system before us? They stole our plans! So we had to lay low and develop at a much slower rate, so as not to cause a stir."

"I'm sorry sir… I didn't know!" Notoshiro wailed.

"Get ahold of yourself, Sayaki-san!" the President snapped, "You must take with you the 500,000 Game and Watch toys from our vault and load them into three trucks."

Notoshiro nodded. "Then what?"

"Take them to the United States. They must be cast into the Lord High Incinerator, in the state of Nebraska. Only there can they be destroyed."

"I understand."

"Good. Then go."

"Yes sir!"

Notoshiro walked swiftly to the door, then hesitated, turned and said, "Sir, what about those who still have their Game and Watch units?"

The president shook his head. "May God have mercy on their souls."

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Location: South Park, Colorado, 7:45 am, three days later 

"All right, children, let's take our seats," said 4th grade teacher Herbert Garrison. "We have a lot to learn today."

Kyle Broflovski, one of the boys in the class, was humming to himself while playing with a stack of POGs. "Check this one out, Stan!" he whispered excitedly to his friend nearby, "I've got the shiny cracked 8-ball!"

"…cool." Stan said half-heartedly. He didn't want to have to tell Kyle that the POG fad was kind of… you know… last month. Much to his dismay, they fat little boy next to him _did_ tell him.

"Man, those things are _so_ lame, Kyle. You may as well be playing with jacks." This got some laughs, and Eric Cartman smiled. Ripping on Kyle was his life.

"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? You love POGs! You were always bragging about your huge collection!"

"Yes, well, I was." Cartman said simply.

"That fad is over, man," said parka-wearing Kenny McKormick. "You gotta find the next craze."

Kyle frowned. "But new fads only come to South Park like, once every two years!"

"That's right," Cartman chimed in, "And additionally, if anyone is to stumble onto the next craze, it won't be Jew-balls over there, it will be me!"

"But you're so fat, you stumble on everything!" Kenny said, smiling.

As Stan and Kyle laughed, Cartman sighed and said, "I hate you, Kenny."

"Besides, dude," Stan said, "Even if Cartman does find out what the next new thing is, he can't stop everybody else from having it too."

"You're right," Kyle said, feeling a little bit better.

Before any further conversation could ensue, Mr. Garrison called on Kyle and said, "Kyle, were you paying attention?"

"Yes, Mr. Garrison," Kyle lied.

"All right, then what did I just say?"

"You were telling us about your time with Mr. Slave at The Toolbox over the weekend."

Mr. Garrison glowered for a moment, and then resumed writing on the board, softly muttering "One of these days I'm gonna get one of those little peckers."

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It was some time after school that we find young, pudgy Eric Cartman tricycling down the highway near the mountain, singing softly to himself.

_"Gotta find the new craze baby, gotta find it before Kyle, gotta find what kids wanna do, before that dumb old piece of shit Jew… oo hoo hoo oooo…"_ He had his eyes closed while singing, and when he opened them, he found himself staring into the headlights of a monstrous truck!

"Holy crap!" he gasped, and he leapt off his tricycle just as the truck ran over it, causing it to skid off the road, bash through the metal railing and go tumbling down the hill. The smashed railing was sticking out onto the road now, and two more trucks behind it ran over it and they also went falling. Their rear doors burst open, spilling their contents onto the snow-covered ground.

"Oh shit," Cartman trembled, "They're gonna accuse me of murder! I'm gonna get the chair! Then I won't be able to tease Kyle anymore! Oh, why God? Why?" and then he spotted the spilled contents, and said, "What the hell is that?" He carefully made his way down the hill to investigate.

What was lying on the ground were thousands of rectangular and flip-open toys. Cartman picked one up. "Manhole… made by… Nintendo? Hey, these are games!" he exclaimed with glee. He picked up another one. "Donkey Kong II? Wow, this has two screens!" He discarded it for another. "Tropical Fish? Turtle Bridge? Chef? Wow, there must be like, a million of these things!"

"Uhhnnn…" moaned a low voice from behind him.

"What the hell?" he wondered, turning around. One of the truck drivers, bleeding heavily, was crawling towards him.

"De…destroy them…" the man coughed.

"Destroy them? Why?" Cartman snapped.

"Evil… power…" the man vomitted, then continued, "Too… addictive… people played and played."

"Hmm… you don't say?" Cartman said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"Please! You…must….aghhh…" the truck driver collapsed at Cartman's feet.

"Evil power, huh?" Cartman wondered. "I wonder if…" He searched the pile and picked up one called Donkey Kong Jr. and began playing.

Location: The exact same place, a day and a half later 

Cartman continued to jam on the buttons, his eyes bloodshot, his body trembling. Finally, the batteries died, and Cartman gently lowered the game to the ground.

"My God… these ARE addicting. I bet if kids saw how cool they were, they would want more… and that means…" he paused, and an evil sneer appeared on his face. "Yes…. YES! YES!" He threw himself backwards and rolled on the pile of Game and Watch's.


	2. The Free Gift

**Chapter 2**

The Free Gift

Location: Mr. Garrison's classroom, the next morning

The school bell rang as the children noisily bustled into Mr. Garrison's classroom.

"Hey, where's fatass?" Kyle asked Stan. "He's usually here on time."

"He's probably skipping school again so he can watch Terrance and Phillip all day," Stan said sourly.

"Or maybe he glued his hand to his dick," Kenny suggested. Stan and Kyle got a good laugh out of this.

Much to their dismay, however, Eric Cartman soon appeared, only this time, he carried a large, burlap sack over his shoulder, looking like a very small Santa Claus.

"Hello, everyone!" he said in his most diplomatic voice. "What a wonderful day it is, yes it is!"

"What the hell are you doing?" Kyle asked.

"I would like to announce that I have a free gift for everyone in the classroom!"

The other children quieted down and gave Cartman their attention. "I just happened to stumble upon some classic hand-held video games, and since I can't possibly keep them all myself, I figured I'd give them out to you guys!"

"Hooray!" the kids cheered.

Cartman then began walking to each desk and passing out games. "Here's a Tropical Fish for you, Stan; here, Kyle, take Mario's Cement Factory. Here's Pinball for you, Clyde. Wendy, why don't you take Manhole? And Bebe, here's Donkey Kong for you…" Each child received their gift and stared at it with awe. A rectangular unit with a liquid crystal display… they had never seen anything like it!

"Wow, Bebe, your game has two screens!" Wendy said.

"I know!" Bebe gushed. "It looks really cool!"

"Oh, I didn't get a game," Pip said woefully.

Cartman laughed. "Oh, forgive me, Pip!" 'Hmm, let's see…' he dug around in the sack, 'Gotta find a really crappy one… ah, here we go! Egg!' "For you, Frenchie!" Cartman said, beaming as he passed the game to Pip.

Pip growled to himself but accepted the game gratefully, for it was rare that he got a gift from Cartman.

"All right, kids, let's get to our seats," Mr. Slave said as he entered. "Mr. Garrison will be here in a minute, and if you're not all seated, he'll get out the whips again."

"Oh, Mr. Slave!" Cartman said cheerily, "Here, have a free gift!"

"What's this?" Mr. Slave wondered as Cartman passed him a Game & Watch. "Donkey Kong Jr.? Oh, Jesus Christ, I used to play this when I was a little boy!"

"Not like this, you haven't," Cartman murmured to himself, smiling sadistically.

Just then, Mr. Garrison walked in. "All right everyone, settle down. What are those you're all holding?"

"Cartman gave us free Game & Watch games!" Token said happily.

"Really? Well, put them away, you can play games at recess. Mr. Slave, will you take attendance?" There was a silence, and Mr. Garrison said, "Mr. Slave?"

The leather-clad man was bent over his game, his eyes starting to dilate… he was already hooked.

"Mr. Slave! Put that game away, you naughty thing!" Mr. Garrison said.

"Just a minute please, I have to rescue Donkey Kong." Mr. Slave said in monotone.

"You will do it NOW, Mr. Slave!" Mr. Garrison roared, and he walked over and attempted to pull the toy from Mr. Slave's hands.

Mr. Slave leapt up in a fury and slapped Mr. Garrison across the face both ways. "Back up off me, man!" he snarled.

The children were stunned silent. Then Kyle said, "Hey Cartman… these games won't have the same effect on us, will they?"

"Hah! Heh heh! Pah! Don't be silly!" Cartman laughed. But inwardly he was brimming with joy. For, it was a mere four hours until recess… and after that, all these children would belong to him.


	3. The President Swears Revenge

Chapter 3 Recess 

**Location: South Park Elementary, 12 p.m.**

BRRRRING! The children cheered as the mid-afternoon bell rang, signaling the beginning of recess. Clutching their new Game & Watch games tightly, they all ran outside to the rear schoolyard and found places to sit, so that they could actively enjoy their games.

Cartman took his time getting outside, because he was waiting for three individuals who were stuck back in Mr. Garrison's room cleaning erasers. He had a powerful plan, yes, but he could not do it alone… he would need help. With the proper assistance, it would be only a matter of time before…

"Hey Cartman," said Stan, emerging from the classroom with Kyle and Kenny, interrupting Cartman's mental soliloquy. "What are you still doing inside?"

"Ah, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny… just the people I was looking for." Cartman said, smiling amiably.

Stan and Kyle exchanged suspicious glances.

Cartman continued. "I was hoping I could persuade youthree into being my… how do I say this here… _assistants_, if you will."

"In what?" Kyle asked.

"This," Cartman said, walking to the back door and pushing it open. Stan and Kyle gasped at what they saw: Not the usual calamity of children running about, screaming playfully and throwing snowballs; nobody was riding on the spring-bottom ponies, or swinging on the swingset; every child was seated on the ground, gazing into the screens of their Game & Watch games. The only sound that filled the air was the electronic bleeps of the games.

"Holy shit…" Kenny whispered.

"Dude…" Kyle said quietly. "It's like they're hypnotized."

"That's right, Kyle." Cartman said. "And we can have control over all of them."

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it, Kyle," Cartman said, making a sweeping motion with his arm. "They have all fallen prey to the addictiveness of the Game & Watch line of toys. There are over 50 different models… it's only natural that they will want more."

"What are you saying, Cartman?" Stan pushed.

"I'm proposing that we go into business together selling these games. With the way these things are taking over, we can easily make 25 a game. And if you'll help me, I'll give each of you 10 of the profits."

Stan and Kyle looked at each other, then Kyle said, "Fifteen percent."

"What? Suck my balls, fifteen percent!"

"You need our help, Cartman, and you know it. Fifteen percent, or you find someone else!"

Exasperated, Cartman said, "All right, all right! The Jew will have his huge 15. Now, we are all to meet at my house this evening at 6 p.m. to discuss further plans."

"Fine."

"And I must caution you," Cartman said, taking a dramatic tone, "Above all, you must not play these games, for they will get you as well, and then you can no longer be my tools… I mean partners. Fun though they may be, the rewards of NOT playing will be far greater."

"…Kay…" Stan said slowly.

"Kenny!" Cartman snapped. "Take Stan and Kyle's Game & Watch's from them and destroy them!"

"Why do I have to fuckin do it?" Kenny asked angrily.

"Because, Kenny, your family's poor and poor people have to do menial jobs! Now do it!"

"Asshole…" Kenny mumbled, taking Stan and Kyle's games and walking away.

"So I will see you tonight then?" Cartman asked pleasantly.

"Sure, sure." Kyle said. "Come on, Stan, let's have a snowball fight."

Cartman laughed evily to himself as he watched the pair walk away. "It is all falling into place…"

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**Location: Nintendo of Japan, 7 p.m.**

It was evening outside the Nintendo of Japan headquarters. The sun had set, owls hooted in the trees, and game developers scurried into their dens for the night. Suddenly, one of the patrolmen heard something that sounded like a scream.

"Hey, did you hear that?" he asked his fellow officer. "It sounded like a scream!"

"I heard it too," the other officer said. "We must search…. OH MY GOD!"

They whirled around to find none other that Notoshiro Sayaki, bruised, battered, and bleeding, crawling with much effort towards the office.

"Sayaki-san!" the patrolman cried. To his partner he said, "Draw him a bath! And fetch the President!"

"Yes, sir!"

"What happened to you, sir?" the patrolman asked. Notoshiro crawled up to him and collapsed.

"The trucks…" he gasped. "The trucks… they… are…"

"What's going on here?" cried the President, who had heard the commotion and come out to investigate. Then he saw the scene before him. "Sayaki-san! Get away from him, you fool!" he snapped, knocking the patrolman aside. "Sayaki-san… who did this to you?"

Notoshiro coughed. "The boy… crashed the trucks… Game & Watch's… all released… I barely escaped… drivers all killed…" he managed to choke out, and then he stopped speaking and went limp.

"NO!" the President cried.

Suddenly, Notoshiro stirred and motioned to the President, "Sir, I must tell you something. Come closer…"

"What is it, my loyal servant?" the President asked, trying not to think about how his second-in-command was seconds away from death.

"I… was the one… responsible for… the Super Mario Bros. movie… aggh…" and then he went limp permanently.

"Sayaki-san! NOOOOO!" the President wailed, throwing his hands to the sky. The officers and patrolmen that had gathered bowed their heads and chanted a farewell prayer in Gerudo.

The President grieved for many minutes, and then he remembered Notoshiro's dying words: The Game & Watch units had gotten out. This was an urgent matter that could not be ignored. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he stood up and said, "Ok, listen up! I want 50 of our best soldiers and 25 high officers to fan out and search the United States for the missing Game & Watch's!"

"Yes sir!" everyone said.

"Do not take no for an answer. Destroy all who stand in your way!"

"Yes, sir!"

"And when you find the little boy responsible, bring him to me, alive and unspoiled!"

"Sir, yes sir!"

"Now move out!"

The officers bowed and rushed away. The President looked at the stars and thought of the horrid things he would do to the boy who killed his best friend and who may have just doomed the world.


End file.
